


Failure

by Brunetterebel010



Series: TMNT Character Studies [1]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Depression, Loneliness, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 08:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7354435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brunetterebel010/pseuds/Brunetterebel010
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leo thinks about recent events, and wonders if anyone really needs him around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tired of feeling lost

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been dying to do character studies since I saw Out of the Shadows a few weeks ago. Something about this movie inspired me, but I've been struggling to get the words on paper. My original intention was to do a couple of sets of studies based on the descriptions the brothers use for each other in the film (there are 3 distinct sets I wanted to focus on)  
> However, upon my third viewing of the film this weekend, Leo stood out to me and I decided I wanted to dig into his character a little more, because I sometimes feel like he isn't done justice, so now he's feeling it too.  
> I am, at heart, a Raph girl, but the dynamics between the two of them are anything but simple and boring to me. I want to take these turtle's out of their boxes.  
> So, I wrote this fic two different ways, I may go back and flesh out the other draft (which is a more in-the-moment study of the purple ooze scene with Donnie in the film) but this version offered itself up. I' not completely satisfied, but i can't put my finger on what's wrong with it either. Any suggestions will be cherished.

****

-Inhale-

_“Leo!” Raph’s face outside his cage in Sacks's lab, blurry as unconsciousness prompted by the blood loss set in. A moment of relief. The Foot soldiers had reported Raph dead to Karai. But he wasn’t dead, Leo could mark that, at least, off his list of failures._

-exhale-

_That still didn’t mean he could save them. One item off of his list, countless added if Shredder and Sacks weren’t stopped. April was screaming at Donnie through his glass and Donnie whispered the answer to her desperate query. Even nearly-dead, Donnie was saving their shells, while all Leo could do was have faith._

-Inhale. Find balance on one foot, arms extended.-

_My fault. He’d admitted when Splinter opened his eyes after what seemed like an eternity. My plan. My idea to disobey and fight the foot clan. My responsibility. My fault. His father had gently shouldered the blame, but he knew better._

**Your strength lies in believing in each other. A lesson that had been pounded into their heads as they grew.**

**Leo believed in his brothers unfailingly.**

**Donatello had been inventing and designing the tech that drove their lives for years. His gadgets and security systems had saved their shells from everything from starvation to enemy soldiers.**

**Donnie never let them down.**

**Raphael had a short fuse but Leo respected his passion, even if he would never admit it. Raph wasn’t afraid of himself, or anything else. He was loyal to a fault, he’d taken bullets and nearly been crushed to death by Shredder for them.**

**Raph would always come through at any cost.**

**Michaelangelo was the sunshine. He could find the upside in any situation, and lift the mood no matter what. His goofy exterior held a huge heart, and he didn’t even seem to have to try. He was almost accidentally an exceptional athlete, artist, and brother.**

**Mikey was the glue that held them together.**

**But Leo, what was he?**

-Step forward, exhale. Lean in to it, stretch the quads. Balance again.-

**“Leader” was a title he liked to tout at Raph when they fought, but what did it really mean? Sometimes he felt like they would be fine without him. His brothers never let him down, but the times he had failed them? He’d lost count.**

**-** Inhale. About face, block low. Hold.-

_“Our Fearless Leader” He’d nearly laughed out loud when Mikey had introduced him to Casey. Raph was the fearless one, Leo was nearly eaten alive every waking moment by his doubts and fears._

-Exhale. Feet together. Bow to the empty room. Begin again-

_“We don’t need that kind of change.” He’d shut Donnie down. He could hear his brother deflate. The pride in his work was quickly replaced with unquestioning obedience in the form of a quickly reasoned explanation for Leo’s decision. But his reaction wasn’t logical, it was a lurch in his stomach, an echo of realizing Mikey wasn’t behind them and pulling him back into the shadows before one of the Halloween partygoers discovered the shell wasn’t a costume._

-Inhale-

**It was selfish. If they became human, Donnie could easily invent identities for them, no one would ever notice they hadn’t always been there. Donnie would get into an acclaimed school, be a renowned scientist, save the world and get credit for it for a change. Raphael would find his place in some contact sport, or wearing a uniform and protecting the helpless. Mikey would make friends wherever he went, be a DJ or an actor, the kid had star in his DNA. And he would be left behind, perfectly average. Being a turtle was what made him matter, and his family was all that he had.**

-Exhale. Stop Shaking. Stop. Breathe.-

_“Only one vote counts in this family. Mine!” No wonder Raph hated him. He was an egotistical prick. Invalidating their thoughts and opinions, dismissing them as inferior._

-Eyes open. Swing. Sword buried in the tapestry on the wall.-

_“I’ve always wanted to come here!” A twinge of guilt as he shoved aside Donnie’s boyish excitement and put him back to work._

-The second sword joins the first. Quivering at is it hits the wall.-

_He was stupid. Donnie must think he was stupid as they stood in the museum and Donnie rattled off a list of words that Leo only recognized because he’d heard Donnie use them before._

_“You know what that means, right Leo?” His brother’s breathless excitement over the science would usually be endearing. Instead, this time, it was infuriating._

_“No, Donnie. I don’t.” He bit out. Why don’t you rub it in a little more while you’re at it.  They weren’t the thoughts of a leader. They were the thoughts of a petulant child. A moniker he usually bestowed on Raphael. Projecting his own insecurities, the things he hated about himself, onto his brothers, as if pointing out their non-existent faults would disguise his own._

_“We’re on the move” A jolt of fear as they changed directions and headed to retrieve Mikey and Raph from Police Headquarters. Donnie following without comment. It was easier for him to believe he was fit to lead when his braniac brother didn’t question his decisions._

-“Argh!” Silence forgotten as the fist makes contact with Raph’s favorite punching bag.-

_“What about Mikey, don’t he get a vote?” There was Raph’s protective streak. Guarding their youngest brother when Leo was too wrapped up in himself._

**How dare he. He would hate him too, he decided. The memory of Mikey’s eyes, brimming with tears over the cop’s words, tearing him between boiling anger at the man who’d hurt his brother, and burning shame because he knew at the root, it was his fault. He’d watched helplessly as Raph stalked away, and Mikey sat more still than he’d ever seen. He’d failed them again, and he didn’t know how to fix it.**

-He was pounding the punching bag now, his control and his restraint long gone. He wasn’t sure if he was still screaming or not, but he knew angry tears were pouring down his face.-

**He’d blown his chance to build the team on their way to and from Brazil as well. That had been one of the worse fights they’d ever had. His brother had been right to say he didn’t know much about feelings, at least not their feelings. He never asked them how they felt, or what they though. He ordered and demanded, and expected obedience above all else. He sometimes forgot who his brothers were as he only saw the pieces that frustrated him, that wouldn’t bend to his will, that scared him most because they reminded him of himself.**

**_“_ ** _Get out of your head and communicate!” As if they hadn’t given up trying to talk to him a long time ago. Donnie didn’t speak unless spoken to, he and Raph just went around in the same useless circle, shouting the same tired accusations at each other without actually sharing anything, and Mikey just tried to stay out of his way, entertaining himself by playing games or hanging out with Raph._

-He felt like he couldn’t catch his breath. He was gasping, as he stopped throwing kicks and punches, leaning over, hands on his knees. His ears were ringing, but he could tell he was practically shrieking in panic as vision blurred. He could feel his blood pounding in his head. He was having a panic attack. Another sign of just how weak he really was, he couldn’t even make it through one night without falling apart. He somehow found the energy to be disgusted with himself as he fell to his knees, trying to keep from passing out, trying to make anything make sense.-

_I failed._

**I failed.**

-He failed, hitting the ground in a heap with a loud thud.-


	2. The light that leads me home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter isn't formatted like the first. It sort of wrote itself, and I almost deleted it - but I decided I couldn't leave Leo in a heap on the dojo floor, so I let it happen.

“Leo!” Raph’s voice, not a memory, came from the dojo door now, he’d pulled on his shorts and grabbed his sai when the sound of shouting roused him. Leo lifted his head, trying to shake the fog from his mind. His train of self-depreciating thoughts picked up right where they’d left off as Raph rushed to his side, looking him over for injuries and scanning the area for hidden enemies. When he realized Leo wasn’t under attack he took a moment to collect himself and observe the situation. Leo had frozen, his hands  up as if to protect himself, his face was wet with tears and his eyes had dark circles showcasing the fact that he hadn’t been to bed yet.

“Leo, what the hell is goin’ on in here?” Raph demanded, setting his weapons down, Leo relaxed sitting back on his heels and shaking his head.

“Nothing, just couldn’t sleep, was going to get some practice in. Didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to bed Raph.”

“How about you stop lying and giving orders for two seconds, Fearless.” Raph’s no-nonsense tone spelled trouble for him. “Practice for you doesn’t involve screaming like a lunatic in the middle of the night and I don’t think you even tried to go to sleep, the light down here never went out. So I’m gonna ask one more time, what’s wrong?” After a long moment of contemplation, Leo decided just to speak his mind, lest he end up screaming it at his brothers later.

“What am I Raphie?” His voice was shaky, small, and a little hoarse from shouting.

“What do you mean?” Raph tilted his head like a confused puppy, studying Leo intensely trying to understand.

“Donnie’s smart. Mikey’s funny. You’re strong. What am I?” Leo mused. “I’m extra, that’s what I am. You guys don’t need me. I’m supposed to be the leader, but I’m a terrible one. I’ve gotten you into more trouble than I’ve ever gotten you out of. I can’t fix things, or make people happy, or protect anyone apparently, every time I try I just end up being the one to hurt them. I’m nothing.” His voice broke on the last word, he couldn’t look his brother in the eyes, he was ashamed of himself both for feeling this way and for crying like a child.

Raph’s heart twisted at Leo’s words. He’d never seen this side of his usually confident and consistent brother, and before he could think about it he reached out and pulled Leo against his chest, holding him tightly as he sobbed and shook.

“No, Leo. You’re not extra. You’re not nothing. You ain’t perfect either, but you’re our brother and you’re just as important to this family and this team and as any of the rest of us. You’re smart, you can always see the big picture when Donnie can only see statistics, and I just want to charge in without thinking, and Mikey doesn’t know what to do. You’re strong, you’ve put up with more from us than some people could ever stand, you been through more and done more for us that we had any right to ask. You’re patient when Mikey’s so annoying I just want to beat his shell, and when Donnie forgets to speak English and has to say everything twice so we know what he’s talkin’ about. You’re the perfect balance, you’re Donnie’s sounding board when he’s working stuff out, and Mikey’s quiet when it gets too loud in his head. For me, you’re the calm in the storm. You’re always here, and yeah sometimes you piss me off with your bossing and your nagging, but at least I know you care. You make me stop and think when I just want to run head first into something crazy. None of us can be who we are without you, guiding and supporting, and leading. We need you Leo, even when we act like we don’t. Maybe you ain’t the best with feelings, but neither are the rest of us.” Raph fell silent and took a deep breath, as if he’d surprised himself with his little speech, he loosened his hold around his brother and took a step back.

Leo just looked up, searching Raph’s eyes for the usual anger, or resentment, or bitterness, but he found only concern and reassurance and love. He nodded his head slowly, trying to absorb Raph’s words. Letting go of his arrogant façade in a rare moment of vulnerability, trying to learn something. For a moment, he felt like the younger brother (they didn’t really know who was oldest anyway) and the weight seemed lighter on his shoulders.

“Thanks, Raph.”

“You got it.” The gruff persona was falling back into place. “Why don’t you go get some rest, stop beating yourself up for a while.” Raph suggested, nudging him toward to door.

“Yeah, good idea.” As Leo crossed the lair and fell into bed, he knew he had a lot of things to work on, with himself and between his brothers, but the despair and stress of the last year seemed a little less daunting with the reminder of the team who had his back, and the brothers who loved him even when he failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have a theory (personal head-cannon) that Raph is the oldest brother. (Really, as far as I can ever tell they're all about the same age, mutated at the same time, there definitely are not years between their ages, so oldest to youngest isn't really important) That's part of why he resents the fact that Leo is the leader, even though he knows that Leo is better suited for it. He's to rash because his biggest instinct is to take care of his brothers and he can't always think it through to find the best way to do it. I also sometimes think Don might be the youngest, but since he's sort of an old soul and super smart, he sort of grew up too soon and Mikey fell into that position (but I also really love the over protective big brothers and Mikey as the baby).


End file.
